Few things are as irksome in professional discourse as condescension. Condescending people think you’re stupid. The condescending boss, for example, up-manages what you’re doing and assumes he or she can do it better. In his or her mind, you’re just another pair of hands.
Even more challenging, however, is the condescending co-worker.
While the boss’s views might be a function of narcissism, a colleague’s feelings about you could be more complex. He or she might believe you don’t deserve your job or that they can do it better. There’s a serious danger they might suggest you’re stupid and incompetent in front of others—including the boss.
While there’s nothing you can do to correct the deeper, psychological pathologies that cause people to condescend to you, you can try to manage those perceptions when you detect them. For example, here are 5 polite things people say when they actually believe you’re stupid:
“Wow, I can see this really means a lot to you.” Of course it does, otherwise the two of you wouldn’t be discussing it. But the person saying this is suggesting although it’s important to you, it’s not to anyone else (i.e., anyone else with a brain, with common sense, with better things to do, etc.) As a result, it’s probably not important to your interlocutor either. So don’t expect their support if that’s what you need. Of course, there’s always the chance someone could say this to you after you’ve monopolized a conversation or given an excruciatingly long and boring presentation on something. If you went way too deep or way to specialized into something that only marginally touches what they do, this remark is just polite—not condescending. The way to find out is to ask: “Do you see this as relevant to you?”
“It’s not a big deal”. Like the previous statement, this one downplays your concerns, assuming what you’re discussing is something you feel is a big deal or that really is, objectively, a big deal. However, to a more extreme degree, it discards those concerns. The person saying this is asserting, “No, this is not relevant or important to me and it should not be to you either.” Again, the caveat is when this is actually true and you’ve been beating a dead horse or killing a dying cow. So discernment is necessary here also. Listen to what the person says next. If he or she goes deeper into the matter, it could mean they honestly believe it’s not a big deal because that’s what they found. On the other hand, if the person turns away and refills their drink, there's a good chance they think you’re stupid.
“That sounds good in theory. But in the real world...” This phrase, or set of phrases, comes directly from the wellspring of insecurity. Let me guess: You have some fancy education credential? The person saying this recognizes this, feels a bit intimidated by it, and in an act of cognitive dissonance tries to equalize (if not, neutralize) it. They understand that most people value hard experience over education or bling. What they don’t understand is that’s irrational. For example, one’s experience doing something wrong in one place doesn’t give them valid experience to do it correctly elsewhere. They could repeat the same mistakes. Oftentimes knowledge of the bigger realm of how people have tackled a problem is valuable for changing course. In any case, by appealing to that irrational “real world” feeling in other listeners, the person downgrades what you can offer. Your only defense is to gently respond by milking them for an explicit explanation (and perhaps some data) on why their real world approach works best. Be careful here. Environment and context are important: this isn’t cocktail discussion. Moreover, if this is your boss (or it’s a colleague, but the old way was crafted by your boss) the approach in question could be a defense mechanism for the status quo. To beat it, you need to find the right setting to demonstrate your proposed way is the best way to get everyone where they want to go.
“Maybe you learned that there, but here...” This statement has a similar genus to the one previous. For example, ’there’ could be a reference to a school or to a previous employer that was bigger, more brand recognizable or whatever. If it’s the latter you might shift the conversation by bringing in examples where you see distinct similarities between the two companies’s challenges, markets, products, etc. That allows you to offer hard evidence as to why it matters or is important (statements 1 and 2 above) and why it’s the real world and not theory (statement 3). Again, however, if the person turns away, don’t waste your additional breath.
“You really should think about this some more.” Here’s the big one. It’s a statement that says you really didn’t think this through. Something is wrong with your judgment. You’re being too emotional, too hasty or not careful enough. All such things connote a lack of intelligence and incompetence. It suggests the person sees a flaw in you. If they go into detail about the flaw, that’s actually encouraging: It means they respect you enough to explain what they see. However, if they leave it at that or made the statement for show, it’s a verbal slap in the face.
Of course, all of the above remarks relate specifically to your ownership of an idea in conversation. Condescension can also come in the form of people criticizing the work you do, but the statements are different. When that arises, it often has less to do with their views about your intelligence (again, of the emotional or IQ type) than with the work itself. Thus, for the same reasons, discernment is required. It could be that they value the work but have problems with it. To find out, ask yourself: Is this person dismissing me (or my work) offhand, or are they offering legitimate criticism?
Forbes
