When I first moved to New York City, it took me about a year to find close friends. The first 12 months I said “yes” to every invitation and then wondered why I didn’t find most of those hangouts that fulfilling. 

It turns out there could be a very simple explanation as to why these meetups didn’t net deeper connections. In order for friendships to work, three conditions need to exist, Mel Robbins, author of “The Let Them Theory,” recently told Jay Shetty on his podcast On Purpose. 

1. Proximity: To become someone’s friend, seeing them consistently needs to be easy. Today more than half, 58%, of Americans don’t live near or in the community where they grew up, according to data from Pew Research Center. So, many friendships they had growing up are harder to maintain. Even when I’d meet a like-minded person at a NYC party, the friendship would flounder if they lived more than a half hour away on the subway.

2. Timing: The older you get, the more people you’ll meet who are in various phases of life. “Everybody’s on different timelines,” Robbins said. “Some of your friends are getting married. Some are going to graduate school. Some are now pursuing jobs.” Finding friends who face the same hurdles and hit the same milestones as you makes it easier to connect.

3. Energy: If your values don’t align, it’s hard to maintain a bond. “You can have fantastic energy with somebody, and then if you decide you’re not drinking anymore, the energy is off,” Robbins said. “If you decide to get really focused on fitness, the energy is off. If you have very different political beliefs, the energy is off.”

When an adult friendship fizzles, it’s usually because one or more of these conditions aren’t met. “You can’t force those things,” Robbins said. 

While I wish I’d had this insight when I was 22, I’m grateful to have it now. As I move into the next phases of my life, it’ll be easier to accept that some connections will be easier to maintain than others, and it’s best not to take it personally.

CNBC