Sara Kuburic

I’ve met many people who have the pattern of finding themselves in relationships that start out great but eventually fall apart – and they have no idea why! 

So, lets talk about some of the common reasons why this happens.

Of course, there are things we cannot control (life changes like moving across country or a stressful family situation that impacts your personal life). And there are relationship issues brought forth by the other person that lead to a swift end to a romance. 

But there are also things that we do that might be causing the relationship to end.

Why your relationships don't last: 

You self-sabotage. The most obvious answer is sometimes the correct one. Some of us may self-sabotage by selecting individuals we know we won't have a future with to avoid long-term or serious relationships. It's our attempt to protect ourselves from a deep hurt. 

You have poor communication skills. Relationships need communication. A quick way for relationships to be tainted by misunderstandings, unmet needs and lack of alignment is to avoid speaking about our thoughts, feelings, goals, needs and boundaries. Communication also breaks down when we don't listen genuinely and understand what the other person has to say. 

You aren't being authentic. If we don't bring our authentic selves to the relationship, the relationship will fail. At some point, the pretense will become exhausting for us, and the other person will see who we really are. This may require a significant adjustment for the relationship (if they still choose to be in it). By hiding aspects of who we really are, we are preventing the other person for truly connecting with us. 

You don't want to put in the effort.  We want to think that the right relationship will be easy, but the truth is that any relationship will require work. This unrealistic expectation might make us give up on relationships that are worth the effort. 

You struggle with boundaries. Sometimes we think that if we love someone, we don't need boundaries. The truth is that boundaries are the guide to help our relationship feel safe, intimate and fulfilling. Not setting boundaries makes resentment, hurt or burnout more likely. Setting boundaries is not enough, we also have to honor and respect those our partner has set. 

You struggle to trust your partner. Every relationship needs a foundation of trust. If you struggle to trust your partner, evaluate if this is because of your past wounds or if they have done something to break your trust. We need to understand that to move forward, trust must be present. 

You don't accept your partner.  Some of us enter relationships hoping the other person will change, so we don't bother accepting their flaws, Over time our hope turns into disappointment.

You stopped being curious. We get to know our partner at the start and then assume the job is done! The truth is we must continue being curious and meeting the new versions of our partners. If we don't, we might grow apart. 

You chose the wrong people. Despite our best efforts, we might be selecting the wrong people as we figure out who we are and what works for us and what doesn't. A relationship might fall apart as you get to know someone and re-evaluate your commitment or goals for the connection. Remember, relationships ending do not have to be seen as "failures," sometimes it's a sign of awareness and self-worth.

What can you do if your relationships keep failing?

Follow through. So many relationships fail because of a lack of follow-through. Thoughts, ideas and promises are great but must be followed by actions. We often promise the world and underdeliver. It's essential to do what we say we will do. To be consistent and reliable, and to build safety in our relationship. 

More advice to help with your love life

** Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma.

 

USA TODAY