As humans, we are wired for connection. Whether at work or in our personal relationships, we want to be around people who make us feel appreciated and understood. When we feel that way, we want to spend more time with these sorts of individuals—whether that means hiring them, buying from them, or helping them in any manner we can.
Successful people have strong networks made up of people they trust, believe in, and can count on for support through good times and bad. One common denominator among individuals who have the ability to form meaningful connections is that they have strong emotional intelligence. The good news is it’s an ability we can all develop, regardless of where we are at in the present time. These are five ways emotional intelligence helps us form strong connections:
SELF-AWARENESS AND EMOTIONAL VOCABULARY
Emotionally intelligent people are aware of their own emotions and very good at regulating them. They understand that becoming emotionally aware is a lifelong journey and have made a conscious decision to continue to work on increasing their awareness. One of the ways they do so is by increasing their emotional vocabulary, or ability to talk about what they are going through. In author and researcher Brené Brown’s book Atlas of the Heart, she talks about the importance of language in connection. “Language is our portal to meaning-making, connection, healing, learning and self-awareness,” Brown writes. “When we don’t have the language to talk about what we’re experiencing, our ability to make sense of what’s happening and share it with others is severely limited.”
ACTIVE LISTENING
People high in emotional intelligence are good active listeners, adept at drawing out other’s thoughts and feelings. Most of the time people participating in a conversation are thinking of a response, instead of actually listening and trying to understand where the other person is coming from. Emotional intelligence helps us to delve further into the other person’s feelings and perspectives by not jumping to conclusions, but gaining a deeper understanding of their motivations and drivers. People high in EI will make connections with others, even if they don’t agree with their viewpoint. This will lead to deeper dialogue and respect.
Psychiatrist Robert Waldinger, who directs the longest study of adult life ever done, says that the happiest and most successful people they encountered in this study were those who were “actively curious” about others. “Even when we think we know everything there is to know about someone, there’s always room to ask ourselves, ‘What is this person showing me right now that I’ve never noticed before?’” he says. “‘And how could I let them know that I appreciate that?’”
CURIOSITY IN OTHERS
Have you ever known someone who only talks about themself? You probably found yourself wanting to spend as little time with them as possible. Emotionally intelligent people are just the opposite. They put the focus on us by showing an interest in our lives, and make an effort to remember things about us to bring up in future conversations. They go the extra mile to make us feel that we are important to them.
This is equally true in work contexts. Carolyn Stern, President and CEO of EI Experience, shares tips on how leaders can take an interest in their employees in her new book, The Emotionally Strong Leader. One of her simple tips is for managers to have regular check-ins with their employees. “Provide them with a safe place to express their fears and stressors,” she says. “You would be surprised how such a simple action can have such a profound effect on someone’s day.”
APPROACHABILITY, SECURITY, AND POSITIVITY
Emotionally intelligent people are aware of the message that their demeanor and body language sends out to others. Their smile and body language indicates someone who is open, welcoming, and positive. In social situations, they don’t take themselves too seriously, using self-deprecating humor to liven up and add to conversations. This makes them approachable and puts others at ease.
VULNERABILITY
Stern reminds leaders that “you can be emotional and strong; these characteristics are not mutually exclusive.” She encourages leaders to embrace their emotions and be human at work. “Time is up for the irreproachable leader who is stoic, detached, and emotionally cold and whose inability to be seen as anything but in control creates tense and inauthentic interactions,” she says.
Similarly, Brown, who has made it her mission to help others become more vulnerable, writes that “vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.” Most of us have experienced being shamed and hurt in some manner when something we have shared has been used against us. By being vulnerable, we show that we are open to others’ vulnerabilities and give them permission to do so. When people are able to open up and be vulnerable, it greatly deepens the bond and connection between them.
“We get pushback from managers who don’t understand why they need to share more of their emotions with their employees,” says EQ coach and trainer David Cory. “What helps them is to understand that when we share more of who we are, we become known and create the environment for trust and psychological safety to grow.”
Fast Company
