As daily existence takes on a decidedly surrealistic and absurdist hue in Nigeria, not even the sacred laws of reality are sacred anymore. Welcome to Kafkaland. Reports reaching snooper indicate that the thief that turned to a goat has been auctioned to a popular Lagos food seller who journeyed south specifically for the purpose. So then if you order for goat leg at your local eatery and you find human toes popping out of the bowl, don’t be dismayed, it is all part of growing up in cuckoo’s land.
Actually before the said auction, it had been drama galore with a substantial portion of the police equipment fund going to crack herbalists who had promised to force the stupid goat back to the hell of human existence. Alas, it was all to no avail as the mad goat stuck to its guns. You can trust Okon to cotton on to the dark fun. One fine morning, Okon showed up in court claiming to be an interpreter for the goat who happened to be his bosom friend in real—or unreal—life.
The presiding lady judge could not understand what all the fuss was about as she descended from her chambers into the court room. The police quickly explained to her that they were on the verge of cracking a major mystery that had turned the entire force into an object of public ridicule. The good old lady could not believe her ears. She eyed Okon with a mixture of concern and bewilderment.
“And what did you say the gentlemen is here for again?” she asked the police.
“Na goat interpreter. Na him go talk to the goat, and the stupid goat must to answer today today”, the police sergeant said with malice and drunken frustration.
“I see”, the lady judge said shaking her head. “Mr Man, is that correct?” she asked Okon.
“My sister, na true true. See me see trouble oo. You come resemble one woman I dey hammer for Mushin Olosa. Abi na you true true?” Okon replied with a devilish smile. The lady judge was not amused. She eyed Okon with a ferocious scowl.
“Please conduct yourself properly before a court of law”, the lady snapped.
“I no be bus conductor oo, I be houseboy”, Okon snorted.
“All right, all right. What is your name?” the lady asked with a hint of panic and exasperation.
“I be Etubom Okon Anthony Okon”, the mad boy answered.
“And what is the goat’s name?”
“Surulere”, Okon replied instantly.
“No, no no. I don’t mean his nickname. I mean his real name”, the judge asked as panic and confusion began to set in.
“Sebi im nickname na the name him dey use when him dey nick dem pocket for Tin Can, abi? Him name na Ejimofor Anikilaja and him be wharf rat no be armed robber at all at all”. At this point, the goat let out some heavy bleating.
“You see now”, Okon began with a triumphant grin. “The goat be angry and hungry. Him say he never chop since dem capture am. Him say dem wicked and crooked police dey take all him chop money drink burukutu so tey dem come dey smile like dem asinwin for court”. At this point everybody, including the police, broke into hilarious laughter. The whole place became a bedlam of raucous mirth. The lady judge brought her gavel down on the table with great force.
“Order, order!” She screamed.
“Me I want Apu and stockfish. Make dem give dem goat banana and ice cream”, Okon croaked.
“What?” the judge said, straining her ears in utter disbelief.
“My sister, I think say you say make we order?”
“Oh my God!” the high strung lady judge shrilled.
“My sister”, Okon began with sadistic glee but the irate judge cut him short.
“Stop calling me your sister. I am not your sister. You say my lord, you hear?” she screamed.
“My Rod”, Okon began, eyeing the poor woman with criminal intent.
“ What?” the poor woman shrieked.
“You know say I be Efik and I know sabi call dem Yanminrin word,” Okon crowed with relish. At this point, the goat let off a prolonged bleating. “You see the goat say all of una na crooks and criminals and dat dis kontri don yamutu sam sam”, Okon intoned.
On this note, the stricken lady began frantically gathering her paper as she back-heeled into her chambers. The police, sensing that they have been taken for a big ride, made a move to arrest Okon but the goat began barking furiously even as it strained its leash. “If you touch me, I will turn into a lion”, Okon threatened. Upon hearing this, the police fled, leaving Okon to walk out of the court room with a majestic frown.
The Nation
