As the Coronavirus lockdown stalemates into a protracted lock-in, the weariness and sheer boredom appear to be inducing some strange pathology particularly among old people. After enduring the domestic detention for another three weeks, Mama Igosun finally lost the plot. One morning, there was a bang on the bedroom door and there she was fully dressed.
“Mama, where are you going? There is curfew in town, you know?” snooper pleaded.
“Curfew ko, coffee ni. When did I become your papa’s eleha? (Purdah woman) Abi you think say I be karuwa (an old word for prostitute) that you fit detain for house?” she screamed.
“Mama is there no food at home? I think Okon bought new supplies of Hippopotamus meat yesterday?” snooper observed with a devilish grin which further infuriated the ancient gourmet.
“Shut up, na only food we go chop?” the ancient contrarian shouted and then lowered her voice into a conspiratorial tone. “Akanbi, he get one question I wan ask you. Abi I don die? This sleep, sleep, sleep dey tire me. I come dey see dead people sotey. I dey see, S.A, my husband, I dey see M.O your father, even my yeye sister, your mother, him dey abuse me every time”, she whimpered as yours sincerely quickly shut his door at the antique troublemaker.
The following morning, the neighbourhood woke up to a most outlandish sight. There was Mama Igosun sitting outside and resplendent in her husband’s ancient PWD uniform with native pipe and a bottle of illicit gin at hand waving solemnly at passing policemen who probably confused the uniform with the ceremonial dress of a superior colonial officer and promptly saluted.
“Mama rere, Ogboju Irunmole t’igbe awujo omo enia ( a dreaded spirit that lives among human-beings) , the senior police officer hailed the old woman.
“Ha oga, this mama be abami eda. He get one king like dat for my village. He come old sotey and him no die, so him head come knock, so every morning dem dey bring him out make dem hot sun iron am well well “, the police constable sniggered.
“Shut up, Yekinni, abi you wan die?” his boss hushed him up.
“Policeman, I hear you well well, na your great, great grandfather, babanla baba baba e niyen. If you say dat again, walahi you no go fit remove your uniform when you get home”, mama swore. Upon hearing that, the rogue cop promptly took to his heels after throwing away his gun.
“Yekinni, where are you going?” his boss shouted at him.
“Oga mi, I no wan die true true. I been dey see dem mad Methuselah bring out dem pabambari amulet under dem chair and he be like if say him get blokos sef as something dey move under dem trouser”, the rogue cop screamed as he doubled his pace. His boss shook his head in misery.
“Ha asiwere (mad person). I think say him go let me test dem new Aluwo (charm of total incapacitation) from Akanran on him”, the old woman said with a satanic grin.
An older version was published last year. Republished by popular demand.
The Nation
