Not many women, single moms in particular, are sincere and humble enough to admit their need of men or companions in their lives. There are those who even solicit and crave for nexus to potential male partners through friends, colleagues, family members and even patronise online dating sites to get mates. I appreciate such women for their sincerity and efforts.
Conversely, those who pretend and shy away from the reality of their need of conjugal fulfilment by citing sundry reasons to console themselves with excuses to embrace staying single. Whereas deeply in their hearts, they groan for love, companionship and emotional stability. Rather, they feign to be "okay" the way they are without "men and their stress." They usually claim "all that matters" to them is to be "financially stable" and their problems will be over. This is the situation with many women whose marital status as single deserve to change.
Some of the responses to last week's topic by female readers cited infidelity by men as a factor why they choose to stay away from relationships. “While dating, they have other women by the side. In marriage, they increase the number of their sex partners to include the married. They always do things that will hurt you. Some will admit and apologise but they will still indulge in it, while the chronic cheaters will pick up a quarrel with you and threaten to quit the relationship. You now ask yourself, if you quit this one what do you think we will meet in another guy out there? I have broken up with four men not just because they are unrepentant cheats but they were becoming abusive and violent whenever I challenge them over their irresponsible behaviour. I don't agree that all men are the same but largely, many of them behave alike,” she said.
Men, in no small measure, have contributed to why several women have lost interest in their pursuit of marital adventures. Many single men are not serious with their relationships. They enjoy having sex partners than having committed affairs that would ultimately lead to marriage. Citing what a single dad referred to as "competing options and choices," the women available for experimental or trial marriage are so many. "Everywhere we turn, there are women available for you. It doesn't matter whether you're serious or not. For example, each time I was about deciding on a particular woman, I always come across a more attractive and better choice. This has happened three times now. I'm beginning to sense that probably I'm having a problem of indecision."
Among the men that reacted to last week's issue, there's a man whose case needs an attention. He sent a mail detailing the situation he's facing in his matrimony whenever he has financial challenges. He does not want the situation to drive him into frustration or his wife to stray into committing sexual immorality in desperate need for financial assistance. The mail reads:
“I read your write-up on infidelity, and I trust that you are a good counsellor, that's why I want to share my issues with you and seek a way out. I have been married for over eight years but we are yet to have children till date. I started having issues with my wife about three years ago when my business was not doing well again. I usually get soft loans at regular intervals from her business to finance my business proposals most of which have resulted in debts. My debt profile is way beyond my imagination as we speak because I always do the needful as a family man. Ever since my financial crisis started, my family life is no longer rosy. To have sex with my wife has become a serious issue. Sometimes, it may be once in a month or even once in two months that she will allow me to have her in the bedroom as my wife. And I am not a drinking type, whenever I'm disturbed both mentally and emotionally if I have sex I will be balanced and stable again but my wife always denies me this right. Truthfully, I’m aware that I have seriously affected her business through the unpaid loans but she knows it’s not my fault at all. It's just a coincidence. Only God knows the root cause of my issue because I'm always very careful. However, I have a girlfriend that I didn't give attention for about five years now because of my wife in order to avoid the possibility of having children outside my marriage. I told my girlfriend that I love my wife so much that I can't afford to hurt her. Even my wife can truly confirm this. But accidentally, the girlfriend got pregnant for me two years ago. It was shocking and surprising to me, and since that incident over two years now, I have been consistently begging, pleading with my wife but she is adamant. I so much love her and I don't want her people to mock her. This incident happened because she denied me sex those times but I can't hold that as excuse for my misbehaviour. Please I don't know what to do again to make her forgive and love me again. As at present, I don't have money at all to pacify her. Kindly suggest a way out for me, sir. Thank you.”
The way out this man’s problem lies in your wise counsel. Please advise him on how best to handle it. I will send your responses to him. Thanks.
From the Mailbox
Re: Infidelity: Agony of Betrayal
Infidelity is caused by so many factors. Either the husband continues to deny his wife sex or the wife keeps rendering excuses at nights saying she is tired. This is mostly responsible for the birth of children outside matrimonial homes. Single mothers usually capitalise on such circumstances get pregnant for their male friends against their (male) will. Where this happens the woman needs to accept without any protest. This denial of responsibilities on the part of the womenfolk should always form the basis of matrimonial mentoring during courtship. Even where such counselling was given, the counsel is often forgotten later in marriage. Believe it or not, this is one of the problems in many marriages. - Okoruwa A. Patrick, Lagos
“I have been consistently begging, pleading with my wife but she is adamant. I so much love her and I don't want her people to mock her. This incident happened because she denied me sex those times but I can't hold that an excuse for my misbehaviour. Please I don't know what to do again to make her forgive and love me again.”