Friday, 25 September 2020 04:57

Separation: A question that threatens reconciliation - Michael West

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Michael West Michael West

Life is full of challenges. Howbeit, it takes challenging circumstances to drive people to attain their goals. Many are lackadaisical or complacent in the face of daunting situations that must be surmounted to lay hold on their goals. Marital crisis is a serious emotional trauma that must not be handled with levity. It often leads to loss of peace of mind, loss of concentration, it breeds nervousness, insomnia, anger, high blood pressure, loss of appetite, weariness, mental disorder, self-abuse, irrational behaviours and, in extreme cases, suicide, among other side effects that marital frustration can inject into people's lives. Notwithstanding the economic and political uncertainties, people still care so much about their family and love life. It takes emotional stability to function optimally at work.

Let me update readers with development on last week's issue. The man, whose wife alleged that he rejected the pregnancy, eventually responded with apologies. He has retracted his earlier threat by accepting full responsibility for the pregnancy. He hinged his decision on the need for him to break the jinx of "rejection" which he said was becoming a negative trend in his lineage.

"Truly, I'm not prepared for another baby under the current economic climate. More so, I don't want to have a large family. I desire a manageable family size I can satisfactorily care for without stress. But when this happened, it threw me off the balance. I don't like to quarrel with my wife over anything at all. I'm faithful in my marriage and she knows that. That's why I unleash my urges on her to the fullest.

"I feel sorry for my initial rejection of the pregnancy when I considered my own background. According to my mom, my late dad also rejected my pregnancy initially. She said she got pregnant while they were dating. My pregnancy hurried them to settle down much earlier than they had planned. Throughout the period, my dad, according to her, was not happy with the development. He did everything at that time reluctantly. So, if I reject this pregnancy now, it will continue as a curse in my family circle. That's why I changed my mind and I fully accepted the pregnancy with love and fatherly care."

In view of the above response from him, the matter came to a happy denouement. Like I noted last week, all is well with the family. Case closed.

A young woman called early this week to seek the way out of a seeming impasse her elder sister's marriage is experiencing. I asked her to detail the scenario in a written form so I can summarise the issue. About five hours later, she sent a fairly lengthy story, the summary of which goes thus:

"My sister and her husband had been separated for two years. Just like the account of the couple you published a fortnight ago in your column, her husband, who moved in with his woman friend, decided to reunite with his wife after the lockdown. All the while, he was threatening to divorce, asking that his wife and children should vacate the house for him alone to live in. We advised my sister to leave the house for him but she refused, saying they both contributed to building the house. Besides, he was the one that chose to quit. So, he is the one that should leave.

"Almost two years later, he returned home unannounced. He settled with his wife quietly and we are happy about it. Barely a week later, my sister and her husband are back to the trenches. This time around, the acrimony appears to be fiercer than the previous one. I enquired from my sister what the matter could be again and I couldn't believe what she told me.

"She said her husband demanded to know if she slept with any other man while they separated for two years. My sister's response seems to have irked the man. She told him that he lacks the moral right to ask such a silly question from her. I tried persuading my brother-in-law to discard whatever may shatter the peace he initiated but he's not listening to me.

"Is his question really necessary at all? His claim is funny. He said, 'everyone knows that I have a relationship, so, I have nothing to hide. But I need to know if she dated another man while we were staying apart. I just wanted to satisfy my curiosity in that regard, that's all.' I'm wondering how that will contribute to the healing of the already broken family which is now being amended by the same man. I'm trusting that he will see reasons from a rational point of view and drop his needless inquisition of an imaginary affair. That's why I seek your opinion, sir."

I asked to speak with her sister and her husband, she obliged her sister's contact but declined the man's. "It may worsen the already fragile situation, sir. Please bear with me that I won't be able to give you his contact." She said.

Her sister, too, was initially reluctant to speak because she didn't want her private life in public space. However, she responded eventually by insisting that "I will deny him the answer to that useless question. It is very provoking and insulting. Is it because people say 'it is men's world?’ Whether I dated another man or not is not his business. Everyone knows he’s living with other women for two years and heaven did not fall. He even flaunted one of his side-chicks to hurt me, yet, I kept my cool. I will never give him the answer he's itching to get from me. The question is disgusting and provocative. If he's not ready for reconciliation he should go back to his side-chicks. I didn't beg him to return. I need my peace and space. I didn't fight him over his sexcapade all these years, why should he insult me with such a stupid question? He has never been faithful in our marriage. He sleeps outside at will over the years and I didn't make noise about it because I was praying and hoping he would encounter God someday. Having the gut to ask whether I dated another man while he's away is the most unthinkable, annoying and disrespectful utterance from him."

Like the sister-in-law asked, does that question really worth asking at all? Of what use is “satisfying his curiosity” to the reunion? Should we persuade the wife to oblige him the answer to allow peace to reign? What do you think please?

 

From the Mailbox

Re: “Unwanted” Pregnancies

It's a good thing to agree with one's spouse on the number of children to have, regardless of their gender. It is also a good thing for couples to enjoy intimacy and sexual pleasure but how could what they both enjoyed throwing caution to the wind now becomes a problem for the woman only? Expiration of a family planning method does not mean the couple cannot use other methods to prevent pregnancy as sex is even more for pleasure than for pregnancy. Their inability to explore other pregnancy preventive measures was the problem. – Ms. Olubunmi, Lagos

 

So sad, the lockdown did more harm than good. - Mrs. N. Olaosebikan

 

Quote:

“Whether I dated another man or not is not his business. Everyone knows he’s living with other women for two years and heaven did not fall. He even flaunted one of his side-chicks to hurt me, yet, I kept my cool. I will never give him the answer he's itching to get from me.”