Baba Lekki blasts Balarabe - Tatalo Alamu

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The grand re-entry of Mama Igosun to the household has set a cat among Okon’s domestic pigeons. It was akin to the arrival of a big cat among a pack of antelopes. Things were no longer at ease as the old girl often strolled into the kitchen to dislodge Okon from his stronghold with a torrent of curses and   choleric abuses. The complaints about Okon’s culinary skills or lack of them have been legion with the ancient girl droning and drooling endlessly like a stranded fairy.

“If I come know say na dis gbarogudu beans you wan give me make I eat, I fit go them Bariga mama put myself. Na only for Magistrate Ogunmuyiwa baba ewa jail dem dey serve dis kin yeye beans,” Mama Igosun hollered and spat with contempt.

“Mama no vex. Dinner go better, I go make better dinner”, Okon pleaded, trying to put a brave face to his domestic adversities.

“And wetin be dinner sef, yeye boy. You no even sabi boil water sef”, the old woman griped.

“Dinner be pap and akara”, Okon responded with a sweet smile.

“Wetin be pap? Na your papa go take pap. If I hear dat kin nonsense for your kukuruku mouth again, “ the ancient girl raved as she slammed her walking stick on the kitchen cabinet.

“Okay mama, I don tire, wetin you want sef, abi no be food?” an exasperated Okon screamed at his tormentor, making the woman to lurch and sidle sideways.

“Make me Esuru and Sukuniyan, now now “, the old woman snorted.

“Mama, no one dey eat dat kin ogbologbo food for Lagos. Na dem food for old Oyo empirate before dem white man  and mala people come drive dem comot”, Okon sniggered eyeing mama Igosun who strangely refused the bait.

“I hear you. After we don finish dis dem amotekun business, all dem kukuruku and kanakana people must to leave Lagos and return to dem huts. To return dem must to get visa from Home Office at Alausa”.

It was at this point, as if on cue, that Lambert Oladosu Alekuso, aka Baba Lekki, aka Socrates, aka Garibaldi, aka Hannibal, shambled in with drunken self-importance accompanied by four local militants straight out of D.O Fagunwa’s Ogboju Ode ninu Igbo Irunmale. Flush with the euphoria of victory after the seeming climb down by the federal authorities over amotekun, the old hell-raiser had been drinking all night, telling anybody who cared to listen that he had only one more chance to ignite country-wide revolution in Nigeria.

“I will try one more time to bring down this stinking house of cards”, the crazy contrarian exploded before a crowd of admirers as he kicked the air with his left foot.

It was at this point that Baba Lekki noticed Mama Igosun berating a crestfallen Okon who appeared to be even more afraid of the dreaded local militants as they chanted incantations and cantered to imaginary music. Mama had been Baba Lekki’s senior by a few years in their ancient primary school at Oranyan in Ibadan, but the crazy contrarian was an old male chauvinist who did not believe in gender seniority based on age.

“Mariani, I hope you have not been tormenting that poor fellow?” Baba Lekki demanded.

“Dosu Agbako, what is your own? When are you going to stop all this igbo and jagbajantis after dem don dabaru your head?” the old woman chided Baba Lekki with grudging affection.

“You see now? When I asked you to marry me you ran way with dat yeye PWD man, no be so?” Baba Lekki retorted.

“Who go marry small boy like you? Dem spoil you rotten for home with cocoa money. Dem send you to England to read law and you come dey fail sotey dem deport you”, Mama replied with a scornful smile.

“Point of correction. I didn’t fail law. It is law that failed me”, Baba Lekki responded with a delinquent smile. It was at this point that Mama Igosun changed the topic.

“By the way wetin dat Balarabe Musa man dey say? I come listen to newspaper review for Tuesday morning and him come make me wan cry,” the old woman noted rather wistfully.

“Ha, you see, Government na wicked people, as Fela will say. Dem sabi say Bala’s medicals don overdue. Dem come tell am make him go say something, abi na like dat dem dey do medicals just like dat? So him come dey shoot him Tundun wada mouth anyhow.” Baba Lekki chortled and began to laugh convulsively. It was at this point that one of the native militants blew his whistle and they all began to file out with Baba Lekki picking the rear.


The Nation